She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
