Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
