God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
