Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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