when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
They have beer where we have blood.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
