my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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