some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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