She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
