I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
