I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
