the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
