all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
