remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We need to get me chipped asap
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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