I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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