If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
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if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
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I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.