He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
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Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
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wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy