I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
