dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I deserve to be covered in dicks
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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