please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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