Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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