Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight