just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I want to have your abortion
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now