Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
this is an emotional support booty call
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.