I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
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As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
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My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?