I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
