Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
