Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
