i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
