sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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