Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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