omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
