Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
