You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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