they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
