theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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