why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
