So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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