right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You pole danced in your parka.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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