mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
