It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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