You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
