I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
