We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
