when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
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Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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