the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
