FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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