I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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