So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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