Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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