Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
