the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
