He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
