I'm jealous of your bromance
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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