his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
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I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't put those talents on a resume
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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