so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
