I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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