so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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