ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
