Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize