I'm lost and stupid without you.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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