don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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